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| Providing for the personal growth and fulfillment of those whose lives are affected by crossdressing |
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September 2011
Newsletter |
December 2011
CONTENTS
Thanksgiving Prayers and Blessings - Abigail Grace (Just click on the title above to go directly to an article.) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Thanksgiving Prayers and Blessings By Abigail Grace THANKSGIVING PRAYERS AND BLESSINGS by Abigail Grace I am a member of Lutherans Concerned, a group of Lutheran believers in Canada and the United States working for an inclusive faith and church practice. The organization’s declared purpose in its constitution is as follows: “The primary purpose of this corporation shall be charitable, educational and religious: to unite gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people and their supporters within the Lutheran churches for affirmation, support and communication; to promote Christian growth and wholeness; to persuade the Lutheran churches to face honestly, aggressively and forthrightly the questions and needs of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people; to cooperate with other religious and secular groups of similar purpose; and to work with the church in proclaiming the Christian gospel of love, joy, justice and reconciliation to all gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people everywhere.” In carrying out this purpose Lutherans Concerned often emails its membership about national and international events. Right before Thanksgiving I received this information about a law pending in a major Russian city. On Wednesday, November 30, political leaders there will vote on a law that makes speaking out as a gay, lesbian or transgender person illegal. Unfortunately, many in the international community have stayed silent. This letter was included in the email: ************************************** Dear Dr Philip Moeller, We've been talking all weekend with our friend Sasha - a teacher and mom in Russia - and what we're hearing is horrifying. On Wednesday, political leaders in St. Petersburg are voting on a new law that will make it illegalto speak in public about being gay, lesbian or transgender. Sasha and a broad coalition in Russia are doing everything they can to stop the bill. Yesterday, they organized one of the biggest demonstrations ever in support of equality--but still the international community is not paying attention. They need support from around the world - and they need it fast. www.allout.org/russia_silenced
Will you take 2 minutes to add your voice to our urgent call? We'll deliver the petition to Russian embassies around the world and push the issue to the top of the international agenda: www.allout.org/russia_silenced
Russia is already a dangerous place to be out and open as an lesbian, gay, bi or trans (LGBT) person. Courageous pride marchers were brutally attacked and detained by Moscow police last summer - for the simple act of holding their heads up high in public. If this bill passes, even the small victories that the LGBT movement in Russia has won will be wiped out - and pride marches, cultural festivals, and even the distribution of leaflets in the streets will be considered illegal. Moments like this highlight exactly why we launched All Out just under a year ago: to stand with our friends around the world when they're under attack, and to keep opportunistic governments from playing politics with fundamental rights. Please sign this urgent call, share it with your friends, and stand in solidarity with our brave friends in Russia - Coming Out, Side by Side LGBT Film Festival, and the Russian LGBT-Network - who are refusing to be silenced: www.allout.org/russia_silenced
************************************** Please remember that what happens to one can happen to all. A similar law here could prohibit us from meeting or appearing public. So while we give thanks for our freedoms let’s remember to uphold our sisters and brothers in Russia in whatever way we can. If you feel so inclined the address of the Russian Embassy in Washington is: Embassy of the Russian Federation2650 Wisconsin Ave., N. W. Washington, D.C., 20007 Phone: 202 298-5700 Fax: 202 298-5735 My letter goes out on Monday.
By Diane Halloween is called a National Holiday for cross dressers. I’m finding that it’s no longer a joy but a problem. This weekend has been the first moment free I’ve had to take care of some errands... wig work, replacing outdated cosmetics, returning some items to a store and so forth. And yet, it’s Halloween weekend. “Nice costume”. Right. Then, there’s Halloween itself. Years ago, ok, it’s a costume just to put on a skirt and heels. No longer. I mean I do have some things that I count as costumes, sarees, a goth dress, my 1920’s dress from Victor/Victoria. Sigh. They don’t fit. I need to lose another 15 lbs and tone up.... an increasingly difficult proposition as I head towards 60. Everything else is street clothes. Halloween hasn’t changed. I have. So I hope everyone enjoyed in whatever fashion works for them. But if what I wrote sounds familiar, then accept my sympathies.
By Diane In the past 6 weeks I’ve had the opportunity to attend two lectures at Case sponsored by the Women’s Studies Department. I’m social friends with the head of the department, but rarely have I seen two sessions a week apart that so interested me. The first lecture, “But Words Can Never Hurt Me? The Gendered Language of Depression in the Age of Self-Care” was given by Kimberly Emmons, Associate Professor of English and Director of Composition. In the last few years, pharmaceutical companies were permitted to advertise directly to patients/consumers. This lead to advertising targeted at people experiencing depression and other mood disorders. The ads frequently used language intended to induce a person to see a doctor if they matched a checklist of symptoms (self-diagnosis, self-care). The language used created different checklists depending on whether women were the primary target of the ad. While ads aimed at men tended to use functional language about performance, sleep symptoms, women’s ads used words such as “down”, “blue”, “moody”. While Professor Emmons talked for nearly an hour, this was as far as I can tell the heart of the talk. There were a few side-by-side examples, but on the whole the talk was academically ‘thin’. More examples and more than just depression would have been well received by at least me. The second lecture, given by Don McPherson, was if anything even more frustrating than the first. Mr. McPherson is an outspoken Feminist, but that wasn’t the problem. In fact, the problem wasn’t his problem.
His topic was “You Throw Like a Girl”, and he presented his version of the idea that male identity is rooted in not be like a girl/woman. (You see why I couldn’t resist attending this.) This kind of linkage with “being like a girl is bad is you’re a boy” warps to “being a girl is bad”. It’s not enough then that it traps boys and men into limited responses to social and real world situations, it’s that it also puts women down, constantly and consistently. And that attitude cultivates and perpetuates male violence against women. To do something about this, we have to make it as visible as drunk driving, so we must start conversations about it. Again I’ve summarized the long lecture/discussion in a few short lines. Far too much time was spent referring to Mr. McPherson’s football bonafides, his personal history and pandering to college students with gratuitous comparisons of their intellectual growth compared to the people who didn’t go to college. But that wasn’t the real problem. The real problem is that after 50 years of modern feminism where this kind of verbal and written contempt for women has been identified as pervasive and a cause of male on female violence all Mr. McPherson could talk about was starting a conversation. He couldn’t talk about how to have that conversation productively. My gut reaction is that after 50 years, we ought to be doing better. Consider that a recent issue of Science Magazine had an 8-page article on what was being learned about how to best use graphics to communicate risk on complex topics to the general public. Sex is certainly as fundamental as risk is, and yet we didn’t get a clue as to how to have that kind of conversation. But having raised that point with Mr. McPherson after his talk, I found myself hoist by my own petard. The other week we had a support inquiry from a crossdresser’s wife, wanting to know how to have a supportive conversation with her husband, who had come out to her recently. And after all this time I’ve been involved with this, I found that unless I knew the individuals involved, I didn’t know what to tell her either. Most of the inquiries we get about how to have a conversation fall into the “how do I get my wife to accept/support/understand/acquiesce” mode, which isn’t quite the same as wanting to have a conversation between equals. The truth is that having conversations is hard work. Sometimes there are guidelines, rules and so forth. At our last AO meeting Char presented material the HRC had developed on “A Resource Guide to Coming Out” and “Transgender Visibility- A guide to being you”. Other’s may feel differently, but I found that other than needful reminders about patience, and of what to expect from a coming out conversation emotionally, there were no particular guidelines on how to have the conversation from either side.
By Ginger I attended some gender workshops hosted by the LGBT Center at Case Western Reserve University. The workshops were presented by JAC Stringer, Founder and Executive Director of Midwest Trans* & Queer Wellness Initiative. JAC, from Cincinnati, is an activist, organizer, presenter, and performer, with signature pink hair. I must be getting old…the workshops, in my opinion, were not well conceived. I like a clear beginning and a clear end: tell them what you're going to tell them - tell them - tell them what you told them. It was more a listing of notes that were touched on but not in any particular order. It must be some new way of lecturing or it could be the style of the presenter. JAC shared some thoughts about how language and labels oppress the legitimacy of the community. The societal ideas of masculine and feminine and the images that are conveyed by the media play a role in influencing society. The words “sissy” and “queer” and sayings such as, "that's so gay"; think about what all of this does to persuade the way people think and how they judge others. To fight this, JAC suggests the use of inclusive language, promoting positive conversation about gender identity and expression, creating one-on-one change of thinking. There is some movement in the present anti-bullying campaign that speaks to this. What I find confusing, though, is that there seems to be a double standard. For example, the word “queer” used within the community is thought to be acceptable by some, but can also be considered offensive or bullying. My personal belief is that getting out in public (putting a face to cross-dressing) can promote conversation about gender identity and gender expression. Even if they aren't talking TO you, they are talking ABOUT you (either negatively or positively). I think of the people that have doubled back to pass me again for a second look. A smile back from you just might put people at ease and let them know that you are comfortable with yourself (“non-spoken conversation,” if you will). The second workshop was on drag and gender performance. JAC touched on the different types of drag; kings to queens, passing-gender to hyper-gender, burlesque to boylesque, and how each plays with the concept of gender. It’s interesting that there are regional standards in drag, in that, what works on the west coast doesn't always work on the east coast or in the midwest. Mark your calendars: I also found out there's an international drag king extravaganza (IDKE) in Cleveland next October. I’d encourage the Alpha Omega membership to take advantage of future educational programs as they become available.
One Person's Support is Another Person's Poison By DianeI was recently reminded of a website that I’d heard about for support of partners/spouses who were deeply upset about learning about crossdressing late in their marriage. I’d seen the mention of this back in 2009 when I was preoccupied with all things Belgian, and never looked into it. The reminder came in the form of another article in a series about sexuality in the on-line webazine “Salon”. The theme for this series is “Am I Normal”, and you knew that they would have to get around to crossdressing eventually: http://www.salon.com/2011/11/25/i_cr...now/singleton/. Headlined “I cross-dress and my wife doesn’t know” followed by the lead “A reader has a panty fetish that he's kept from his spouse of 19 years. Does he have to tell her?” Actually, he kept a lot more secret than just a lingerie fetish. Now I could take off to many, many articles based on this, but what I’d like to focus on is the link to a support group run by Dee Levy, an ex-spouse of a fetishistic crossdresser: http://www.crossdresserswives.com/ . This isn’t a formal mission statement, but it comes close to one: You may be feeling shock, anger, pain, grief, confusion, embarrassment, humiliation, shame or betrayal. You may be comfortable and happy to participate in your partner's expression of his "feminine" side. While we have compassion for all parties, this site is solely designed to support cross dressers' wives who, past or present, are struggling with this issue. If you are looking for a network of women who actively assist, support, and are comfortable with their partners' lifelong condition and needs, please visit our resource page for relevent (sic) links. No one should be surprised at the anger expressed on this site. Saddened yes, surprised no. What I also see in the writing is the same kind of bitterness from people of both sexes involved in unhappy marriages and divorces for multiple other causes. In fact, on the forum, spouses who are less than totally bitter come in for some criticism and being told by other writers that they are out of bounds for the purpose of the forum. I wonder about whether we should recommend this website to spouse’s who approach us who clearly fall in the Angry and Betrayed group? Without a question, there is a need for a safe space for women who feel this way. As I’ve said many times, some mainline CD support organizations have a less than honorable record in this regard- starting with Virginia Prince’s notorious and sexist grading sheet for supportive spouses. But when does venting become rehearsing? When does it become holding a grudge and nourishing resentment? When does it cease being therapeutic and become limiting, keeping someone stuck in a portion of their lives that they should be moving on from, cherishing their victimhood and pain? I don’t know the answer to these questions. How do you honor and respect the need for expression of legitimate emotions without pushing someone into something that could, and I’m not sure here, could be toxic long term? I should also note that there is a book recently edited by Ms. Levy -“The Cross Dresser’s Wife: Our Secret Lives”. Someone will need to read and review this book, to see what it adds to the work already done by Helen Boyd (My Husband Betty, She’s Not The Man I Married) , Virginia Erhardt (Head over Heels: Wives Who Stay With Cross-Dressers and Transsexuals, and pioneer Peggy Rudd (Crossdressers and ThoseWho Share Their Lives, Crossdressing with Dignity, The Case for Transcending Gender Lines). Ms. Levy states in her November Newsletter that the book has already aroused interest of a TV production company. I dread the thought. But “The Camera Is Not Our Friend” is the theme for another article yet to be written. [To Top] By Michelle P.We should be seen and heard! A couple of weekends ago, I got to dress and go to see a show in Cleveland. It was La Cage aux Folles. I thought that it would be a great idea to go to this show. After all, men in women’s clothes are part of the story. There are not many shows that a cross dresser can see other cross dressers. This made me more comfortable to be dressed in the theater. It was fun. After the show I had a great dinner out with Ginger and Diane. We spoke about what it is like to be transgendered and appearing in public dressed as a female. It was a good conversation. I am fairly new at going out dressed in public, if you don’t count AO meetings. I feel uncomfortable at times and find myself avoiding eye contact when I present as Michelle. That is counter productive to making friends and gaining acceptance. It doesn’t really help. So, Diane mentions that maybe we (meaning all transgendered peoples) should be “read” and recognized. This is one of only a few ways where we can validate our femininity in the eyes of society. Cross dressers are undeniably a part of humanity that will be expressed by myriads of people in all walks of life; all over the world. The mainstream human beings should accept us as we are. The only way they will do that is if they see enough of us in public. They have to see us, to know us. Being read can be a good thing in this sense. Someone has to stand up and be proud of our gender expression. We only need to present ourselves in a mature and dignified manner. This is the way to acceptance and non-prejudice. Stealth is great, if one can pass. A lot of people do not pass, unfortunately. Therefore, the CD/TG people should give up the illusion/desire for passing. Most of us are going to be recognized. We have to think and say, “So what?” Others need to see us, in order to eventually accept us. Tall Bobbi once gave me some advice. Head up and boobs out! Sounds like a good way to live! We should been seen and heard. [To Top]
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